This day has been nothing but a series of staggered blows and desperate parries. I’ve always understood that a Paladin’s utility rests naught with its sword, but by its capacity to protect. You can lose the sword, and I would argue, you can lose the shield. As long as the will to protect is within you, you are worthy to bear the burden of preservation.

This burden was tested upon me today. While I am no stranger to putting myself in danger, this was one of the few times I felt a chill so cold that it pierced right into my soul. The thought of facing Gods didn’t petrify me, but the news that Tataru and Alphinaud were arrested did.

Hurriedly I made my way out to the inn. In me was a small bit of hope to see Tataru wave at me like usual. A denial of the news. Yet, a sharp knot of dread tightened in my gut, one that no amount of deep breaths could loosen. At this time of the day, Tataru would still be at the inn trying to gather information, but she is naught to be seen.

As a paladin, I have trained to see what is in front of me. I can prepare, plan and execute at a moment’s notice. But to be blindsided a third time, brought back a cold, all too familiar nausea. The first was the fall of the Scions. The second was the framing of Sultana Nanamo’s poisoning. Now, this arrest. It’s almost as if I am a character in some sort of divine comedy.

I feel as if I have been attacked at the flanks or rear, and I didn’t know any better. I had felt a heavy, suffocating shame, the kind that steel armor can’t protect you from.

Despite this crack in my resolve however, I made my way to the High Tribunal. With each passing minute, the window of opportunity closes. Every second wasted gives whoever is behind this greater opportunity to lay waste upon my friends.

The trial by combat was less a fight and more a desperate reclamation of my purpose. As I stood to be Tataru’s champion, every swing of my blade felt like I was carving my way out of that suffocating shame. Seeing them smile and pippy at my victory, knowing they placed their full trust in me appearing and rescuing them, gave me relief. Despite everything that’s happened, I had managed to save at least some of my comrades.

Before the dust could settle however, I was summoned by the Archbishop. Standing before that hollow and eery throne, I’ve realized that the Gods of this city are far more dangerous than the ones I’ve fought in the wild. His words were a labyrinth, but they confirmed my fears: the “divine comedy” I’m trapped in is being written by men with too much power and not enough soul.

There was no rest to be had. Right after the meeting, News reached us of Raubahn’s impending execution, and suddenly, the “staggered blows” of the day turned into a singular, driving rhythm. Breaking the Flame General out of his cell felt like the first honest thing I had done all week.

I started this day blindsided and broken. I ended it with a fractured shield and Raubahn at our side. The line held. Barely.

I am now at Gridania. The sight and feeling of green, lush fields and warm winds thaws my weary spirit. Like a shield that is being reforged, staying here gives me strength. While I could not return home to Ul’dah just yet, I have courage that Yugiri will keep things at bay. I’m not sure if tomorrow will be kinder, but at least today, I know that I am no longer in danger of shattering.